Dimension Jump X

Sunday

Mike Tucker is a brave, brave man. A sea of eyes were on the special effects creator as he mounted the stage - and those eyes mostly belonged to people who were either sleep-deprived, hungover or still drunk. And in some cases all three.

But Mike woke them up with a tape of behind-the-scenes effects footage from Series V that had never been seen at a convention before. Did you know that the self-loathing beast was nicknamed Barry? Or that the Starbug in Back to Reality is actually marked as Starbug 2? No? See, you're learning already. Barry was actually very well articulated, though his role was cut down in the edit to increase his mystery.

Nor was this the only loss. "Rimmer was supposed to be menaced by a large phallus in the [Terrorform] script. Paul McGuinness sculpted a very anatomically correct and grotesque phallus. Rob and Doug took one look at it and said, 'You're not showing that on screen!'"

What doesn't get shown is endlessly fascinating to those of us who have developed a strong love for Red Dwarf. The SSS Esperanto, for example, was only painted and decorated on the side seen by the camera. And Kryten's scuttling hand was essentially a rod puppet, made to move by the effects boys' wiggling fingers.

Mike, of course, has actually appeared in the show, albeit hidden by a huge green blob. "There were no mechanisms inside Camille. It was just me in a swivel chair, scooting around the studio." With joy he described the first thing his department does when a new series begins. "We used to go to Hamleys at the start of a Red Dwarf and say, 'Right, we'll have all of your Japanese robot model kits.'" The process of adding kit-bits to a model, by the way, is known in the business as 'widgiting'.

Also included in the footage were shots of the Red Dwarf model being blown up (not so much 'kaboom' as 'pop') and catching fire...while hanging 20 feet up in the air. We also saw the construction of Lanstrom's research facility ("Moose Base Alpha"), the discarded Despair Squid model, and Rocky Marshall's head popping out of Starbug's scouter hatch.

Taking questions, Mike also discussed the most awkward model effect in Dwarf history: "I've never heard a director swear so much as Ed [Bye] did at the polymorph!" He also revealed that the gunge used in TV shows is based on a biodegradable food source. "It's Pot Noodle without the flavour." A pause. "That's a contradiction in terms, isn't it?"

Then it was Chloë Annett's turn on the podium, fresh from an appearance in Birmingham which included her meeting, for the first time, with Clare Grogan - the first Kochanski. "I'm going to try to persuade her to come along next year. Two Kochanski's together!" Imagine the cat fight! (Okay, you can stop now.)

Would Chloë like to see Lister and Kochanski back in a 'love' situation? "I think Craig would..." she mused. Craig, it seems, likes to have several takes when it comes to the snog scenes. Were there many in the lift in Back in the Red? "A lot - but not as many as the first time I had to kiss him [in Ouroboros]...'That didn't feel right, can we do it again?'"

There were tales of PVC trousers and talcum powder that, frankly, were far too short. Chloë also spotted one of last night's fancy dress contestants in the audience - and it became very clear who it was. "You were naked!" she yelled. "Is that your girlfriend? Were they your panties?" They were, which begged the question, "Did you keep them on?"

Chloë was joined on stage by Robert Llewellyn, who immediately fielded questions about his books and their adaptations. It seems The Man on Platform 5 is now set to be filmed in the UK. Meanwhile, his slowly-expanding online novel, Blue Helmet, might be updated now to incorporate topical references. "I want to make a low-budget movie of it. Chloë you can be in it. It's quite a tight costume..."

He discussed WomanWizard appearing on DVD. "I think it's better than seeing the show live," Robert mused, "because it cuts out all the shit bits." For Robert, it marks another way to negotiate around the system and get the material out without the suits getting involved. "It's two quid for postage and packing - my sister's doing that."

Robert's other topics included Scrapheap Challenge, Hollywood Science (including a description of what he had to go through to see if the Fight Club soap scenes were possible - ugh!), and Archie, Kryten's hyperactive rogue body part. ("He wasn't a sluggish penis.")

So on to Danny John-Jules, who posed for pictures in a manner of which the Cat himself would be proud. And boy did it go on. "This is good," Danny mused. "59 minutes left..."

Danny's hair came as something of a surprise to everyone. "I've got an afro. That's African for 'headache'." A pause. "I just made that up today." Though he did admit that, "The Cat would not approve of the afro." The hair, it transpires, is for a role in Ian Pattison's new sitcom, Crouch, about a black family in South London, "Written by a white guy from Scotland."

As convention veterans - and this was my eighth - will confirm, Danny is a crowd pleaser. In fact, this year he pretty much turned into a human jukebox, with suggestions for James Brown, Stevie Wonder, Barry White and...erm, a snippet from Annie. Plus, inevitably, he rocketed through the karaoke version of Tongue Tied on his own CD release (reading from the lyrics on the sleeve - it was a while ago).

Still, not all the crowd were pleased. Picture the scene as a phone rings in the crowd to the tune of The Entertainer. "Whose phone is that?" Asked Danny. "Get up here! You can't have The Entertainer as your ring tone and not entertain." Poor, poor Anthony - dragged up on stage with no act to speak of.

The same cannot be said of morris dancing Richard, whom Danny once again pulled on stage to strut his rural stuff...with a red napkin and a green pair of pants. Well, Dimension Jump's exciting - you should always carry a spare pair. "I'm trying to think of a good morris dancing song," Danny pondered.

"I'll do Elvis, you do morris dancing. It'll be the first time anyone's ever morris danced to Elvis. You do your bit first - warm up the crowd." The crazy thing is, it did get the audience going. "All right, all right" Danny interjected, "I didn't say steal the show, man!" With a grin, Danny admitted that this had become something of a tradition. "I do this to him every year. Is he getting better? No? Who said that? Your dad?!"

The discussion moved to Duane Dibbley, whose high voice, Danny confessed, came mostly from the effect of the teeth. And what of Duane's chopping skills during Can't Smeg Won't Smeg? Is Danny a whiz in the kitchen? "That was the first time I'd ever done that. It was Duane, not me."

The Cat's image also came under question, and it seems the first designs were quite different from the final result. "The original drawing from the art department was more like a Blues Brother, with a porkpie hat. I said it wasn't outlandish enough."

Has he ever managed to keep any souvenirs from the set - say, while he was on Blade 2? Turns out he did keep a red lens from his infra-red goggles which was broken by Wesley Snipes during the fight scene - but not much else. "The other stuff was hard to get. They got suspicious when the van turned up." After being recognised for Dwarf by people on the Blade production team, Danny responded to his co-stars interest by giving him some tapes of the show. "So Wesley is a closet Dwarfer!"

So ended the final Q&A. It was off to the autograph signing for the stars, while Mr Flibble packed his bags.