Dimension Jump X

Friday Night

The competitive juices got flowing early this year as the first of the night's prizes was presented to the person who discovered a picture of Starbug taped to the underside of their seat. Despite much leaping from chairs, plenty of frantic scrambling, and at least one attempt to cheat (presenting a doodle you've hurriedly knocked up apparently does not count), the hunt took longer than expected. Eventually the lucky winner found the image and all-too-literally tore it from its place, finally presenting the two halves to the team.

But the real bloodbath began, as always, with a battle of the sexes - the boys versus girls quiz is a Dimension Jump tradition, and is famous for its fierce conflict, loud heckling and utter lack of co-ordination. Long may it continue!

Also traditional as part of the quiz are the eating competitions. Sugar Puff sandwiches were served to the willing - "this guy's won because he swallowed" innuendo-ed the host - but this may have lulled volunteers into a false sense of security for what followed: cornflakes and grated raw onion. Gulp.

The odds for the quiz have shifted in recent years. Once it was almost inevitable that the girls would wipe the floor with the boys, but following a tie in 2000 and - gasp - a male win in 2002, the field has been thrown wide open. Amazingly, the boys won again this year. The response from Fan Club diva Jane was simple - "I'm gutted."

In between rounds, it was announced that the first person to grab a toothbrush from their room and make it back to the hall would be awarded a prize. The winner claimed their prize while grinning from ear to ear - just as well her teeth were clean...

Preliminary madness out of the way, Lee Cornes introduced his partner for the evening onto the stage with typical gusto: "A great lady, I've never had sex with her. Hattie Hayridge!"

Hattie spent the whole of the DJ weekend wielding a camcorder in preparation for a DVD extra: Hattie's DJ Video Diary. Filming the audience even as they photographed her (oh, the post-modern irony of it all), Hattie was aware of the dangers such exposure could lead to: "If you're here with someone you shouldn't be, let us know."

So began Lee's hosting of Hattie's Bay 47, Red Dwarf's very own 'Room 101', a repository for the very worst the universe has to offer. Hattie's first choice? Pepper mills. "They come to your table with a bloody tree trunk," she bemoaned, adding that she herself was not a culinary whiz. "I've set fire to a microwave oven...I've melted knives into an omlette." But if she can't stand the mills, what does she do for pepper? "I don't have any." What about salt? "I don't have any... only in the bath." The item was consigned to Bay 47, based on Lee's unique reading of the fan voting. "It's fewer people, but they're louder."

Also on Hattie's list were one-man buses - "It's not really anti-one-man, it's pro-conductor" - which ended in a debate with a fan over some kind of £70 plastic travel card; road signs ("You reach a sign saying 'slow' during a traffic jam and it's taking you half an hour to get over it", though Lee did point out that stop signs were handy, because "otherwise you'd crash."); incoherent English - answer machines, station Tannoys, and (according to Lee, anyway) incoherent teenagers; and Recipes. "Only 'cos I don't cook." "So you eat out a lot?" "Only where they don't have pepper mills..."

Finally we had Lee doing stand-up. With topics ranging from his car - "I've had it insured against fire and theft. Which is bloody stupid - who's going to steal a burning car?" - to dog poo (a series of jokes that, for matters of taste, we won't be repeating). The highlight for most will have been a "get off!" heckle from Norman Lovett. Lee didn't miss a beat, though: "It's Norman Lovett, ladies and gentlemen - the second best Holly! I thought he was dead..."

The action over for the evening, we retired to the bar. Which is to say we stayed in the bar until we reached retirement age. Your correspondent managed to get a few hours sleep before Saturday Morning - and Mr Flibble picked up a new 'friend'...